“How was your Christmas Day?”
“Comme ci, comme ca”
“What’s that?”
“I am speaking French. You mean you don’t even understand elementary French?”
“No, I don’t. Speak English. How was Christmas?”
“For me, it was a dead-end Christmas”
“God forbid. May we never have a dead-end Christmas. I reject it in Jesus name.”
“If you like, summon the Holy Ghost. We have never had a Christmas like this one. On Christmas eve in Lagos, come and see people just going about, many of them aimlessly. The kind of shopping that heralds Christmas was absent. For the first time, I could see the real colour of sadness, frustration and regret on the people’s faces.”
“It depends on what part of Lagos you are talking about. If you had been in Lekki or Victoria Island, you would have seen a different colour.”
“I know. There are two countries in one: the real Nigeria and the other Nigeria, where people live in a bubble. But the bubble is beginning to burst everywhere. With the Naira now N500 to the dollar, and businesses failing everyday, the pain is spreading. It was an unusual Christmas.”
“Everywhere jus’ dry. I know some people who used to hold Christmas parties every December 25. They just decided to postpone it till next year. But did you at least manage to eat rice and chicken?”
“Anybody that eats rice these days is very lucky indeed, with a bag of rice now N20, 000. And you can’t even be sure it is real rice. I learnt the market was flooded with plastic rice.”
“Plastic rice? What does that taste like?”
“I guess like plastic. “
“Never heard of that. Plastic rice?”
“To be on the safe side, these days, I only eat Ofada rice. Local rice.”
“All kinds of things happen during recession. Plastic rice. Empty pockets.”
“I know something about empty pockets, my brother. Imagine what I went through trying to get money from the ATM, two days to Christmas. I went to about five banks, you’d think people were queuing for fuel, with everyone looking anxious.”
“I know.”
“One queue covered an entire street. When I eventually found an ATM and it was my turn, the machine just started blinking. I didn’t know when I started shouting Blood of Jesus, Blood of Jesus.”
“You should have planned ahead. I don’t know why people have to wait till the last minute before withdrawing money. Nigerians should learn to plan ahead.”
“I did. The ATMs misbehave a lot these days and they are always crowded.”
“There is no money in circulation. I hear the Central Bank is broke. The banks are just managing.”
“You have started, hen? How can the Central Bank of Nigeria be broke? For the past three weeks now, the spot price of crude oil has been over $50 per barrel. That’s some good revenue.”
“May be it is the banks that are broke then. I just hope nobody has taken depositors’ funds to go and invest in the MMM.”
“What nonsense!”
“MMM was giving people better returns on their investments. Even bankers invested in the scheme. And now that the scheme has been frozen till January ending, there is panic everywhere. You would be surprised the kind of revelations that would come up if the profile of investors in the scheme is investigated.”
“Nigerians are always looking for quick profit, but I don’t believe that a bank will invest in MMM”
“Dey there. Look at the way special prayers, night vigils and deliverance sessions are being held over this MMM thing. Some churches are holding get-your-MMM-money-back prayer sessions, and when you attend those sessions, come and see crowd! If that Ponzi scheme should crash eh, a lot of people will commit suicide.”
“One man sold his only car and invested the money in MMM.”
“I know. Some people sold their houses too.”
“The MMM scheme is a comment on the Nigerian banking system. Obviously, Nigerians don’t trust the banks and their miserable deposit interest rates.”
“Tell me, did you invest in the MMM?”
“No. But I almost did. I know some people who made huge profits from it. I was still contemplating putting some money down to test the waters when the alarm blew.”
“You are lucky, then.”
“I guess every investment is a risk.”
“I tried to make fun of some of my friends who invested in the MMM the other day. January 2017 has suddenly become the most important month in their lives. The way they reacted, hen. I was accused of being insensitive and sadistic. I quickly shut up”.
“So, what are your plans for the new year?”
“I have no plans yet. But I have been following what the prophets are predicting.”
“You believe those predictions? I just read them for fun. But this December, I have only read the predictions by Prophet Ayo Fayose”
“Prophet Ayo Fayose. Never heard of him. Which Christian Ministry does he lead?”
“The Ayo Fayose Evangelical Church of Yahweh, Iyana Jogunomi, Ori oke Ekiti-Kete.”
“You are joking!”
“Yes, I am. But you mean you don’t know that the Governor of Ekiti State is a prophet?. Every year, he also makes predictions about the coming year. He has released his 2017 predictions”
“Seriously, is he also among the Prophets?”
“Uhn hun. In his latest predictions, he talks about how the Holy Spirit directed him.”
“I hear, though, that he has been anointed by Daddy G.O. Pastor Adeboye.”
“Anointment comes from God. What happened is that Pastor Adeboye commended Fayose publicly for leading his people courageously and defending their interests.”
“The APC won’t like that”
“Daddy G.O is not a politician.”
“But have you not heard that the Ekiti Chapter of the APC issued a statement to say that Fayose bribed Pastor Adeboye?”
“May the Holy Ghost slap the mouth of anybody who utters that blasphemy. The Bible says touch not my anointed. The Bible also says He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world. The word of God is greater than politics. “
“The way you are carrying on, the APC in Ekiti will issue another statement to say you have also been bribed by Fayose. Anyway don’t worry, they have denied the statement. But the PDP in Ekiti has also issued a statement saying the denial is an after-thought. Too much politics in that their Ekiti.”
“Forget about them. But what did the Governor predict, if I may ask? You mean, he has so much free time on his hands; he is busy making predictions. In any case, many of these predictions are somehow. Anybody can predict Nigeria’s future at anytime. It is always something like: I foresee a crisis in the Niger Delta. I foresee a change of cabinet. I foresee deaths in Nollywood. I foresee changes at the Central Bank. I foresee the emergence of a new political party…I foresee Donald Trump creating tension in the world. Three prominent traditional rulers should pray against sickness and bereavement…. Common sense.”
“Oh, oh.”
“But how come no prophet predicted that Nigerian soldiers will capture Sambisa forest and drive out the Boko Haram or that a day after, there will be suicide bombing at a cattle market in Maiduguri? “
“Suicide bombing at a cattle market? What is the target?”
“No prophet foresaw the killings in Southern Kaduna and the waste of human lives or that a white man will be arrested inside Sambisa forest. You don’t have to be a prophet to know tomorrow”
“Whatever.”
“We should thank God for everything and for the joy of surviving Christmas in a season of recession. We should also thank God we are not in Saudi Arabia, but in our country, Nigeria.”
“What has Saudi Arabia got to do with Christmas? I don’t get it.”
“It is a crime to celebrate Christmas in Saudi Arabia. This year, seven Africans – 4 Nigerians, 2 Ghanaians, and one Kenyan were arrested in Saudi Arabia for playing Christmas Carols, they could be sent to jail for 10 years.”
“What? For playing Christmas songs?”
“I understand there is even an Islamic cleric in India, Zakir Abdul Karim Naik who told Muslim brothers and sisters not to wish Christians Merry Christmas, because it is a “big sin, worst evil, worse than fornication or murder.” What is the world turning into: A world of hate, bigotry and intolerance. Tell me it is not true. ”
“It is true.”
“Sad.”
“Sorry about the fire accident at Nigerian Breweries in Lagos. I know you drink beer.”
“If you want to talk about something else, do so”
“I am just concerned that there are too many fire accidents taking place these days. When petrol tankers are not exploding on the highways, markets are being gutted by fire, companies and houses are going up in flames. The Lagos State Fire Service reported for example that 45 markets in Lagos had fire accidents between January and September 2016 alone.”
“The Fire Service should not moan. They need to do a lot more to educate the people about safety precautions and ensure that buildings respect the Fire Code. They also need to be better organized to deal with emergencies.”
“The Fire Service in Nigeria is poorly funded.”
“Harmattan. Dry season. The possibility of more fire accidents is high. The public should be sensitized all the same.”
“Most of the fire accidents are due to electrical faults, either faulty connections or power surge. We need a national safety programme to prevent fire outbreaks. Every market and major company should have a fire station. There should be fire hydrants across every major city.”
“I’d just say that prevention is better than cure.”
“Who is your Man of the Year, 2016?”
“Man of the Year. Who is yours?”
“Yours first”
“Let me see. I’ll choose the Nigerian Soldier. The Nigerian soldier is practically holding Nigeria together. He is underpaid, over-used, overstretched, denied access to equipment, and money and often subjected to the harshest possible conditions. Our soldiers are involved in one operation or the other across the country, protecting the country and even doing police work. Operation Crocodile Tears, Operation Harmony, Operation Lafiya Dole, Operation Delta Safe, Operation Gama Aiki, Operation MESA, Operation Awatse, Operation Sharan Daji, Operation Maximum Security. From one region to the other, the Nigerian soldier is busy keeping Nigeria safe from kidnappers, terrorists, secessionists, oil bunkerers, cattle rustlers and extremists.”
“Our soldiers have even been sent abroad to learn cattle rearing because their next assignment includes the management of cattle ranches. I agree with you. I salute their courage.”
“And who is your own man of the year?”
“I’ll choose the average Nigerian for the resilience, the capacity and the courage to suffer and smile at the same time”.
I don't read articles written by hypocrites.
ReplyDeleteMatthew Chapter 24 (NIV)
DeleteThe Destruction of the Temple and Signs of the End Times
1 Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him to call his attention to its buildings. 2 “Do you see all these things?” he asked. “Truly I tell you, not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down.”
3 As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”
4 Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. 5 For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. 6 You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7 Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8 All these are the beginning of birth pains.
9 “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10 At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11 and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12 Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13 but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
15 “So when you see standing in the holy place ‘the abomination that causes desolation,’[a] spoken of through the prophet Daniel—let the reader understand— 16 then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. 17 Let no one on the housetop go down to take anything out of the house. 18 Let no one in the field go back to get their cloak. 19 How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! 20 Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. 21 For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now—and never to be equaled again.
22 “If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened. 23 At that time if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Messiah!’ or, ‘There he is!’ do not believe it. 24 For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect. 25 See, I have told you ahead of time.
26 “So if anyone tells you, ‘There he is, out in the wilderness,’ do not go out; or, ‘Here he is, in the inner rooms,’ do not believe it.
...27 For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. 28 Wherever there is a carcass, there the vultures will gather.
Delete29 “Immediately after the distress of those days
“‘the sun will be darkened,
and the moon will not give its light;
the stars will fall from the sky,
and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.’[b]
30 “Then will appear the sign of the Son of Man in heaven. And then all the peoples of the earth[c] will mourn when they see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven, with power and great glory.[d] 31 And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.
32 “Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. 33 Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it[e] is near, right at the door. 34 Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. 35 Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.
The Day and Hour Unknown
36 “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son,[f] but only the Father. 37 As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 38 For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; 39 and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 40 Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left.
....41 Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.
Delete42 “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. 43 But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. 44 So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.
45 “Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom the master has put in charge of the servants in his household to give them their food at the proper time? 46 It will be good for that servant whose master finds him doing so when he returns. 47 Truly I tell you, he will put him in charge of all his possessions. 48 But suppose that servant is wicked and says to himself, ‘My master is staying away a long time,’ 49 and he then begins to beat his fellow servants and to eat and drink with drunkards. 50 The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. 51 He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
Let me finish washing and cooking breakfast I will read it later
ReplyDeleteLol.
DeleteLolzzz
DeleteMy daring Ima and Sandra, hope your 'guys' are enjoying the festive season. Peace!!!
DeleteFine oh Tnk u
DeleteI meant to say...darling. I know you got it. Sandra, good to know you are fine. God bless you.
DeleteRubean and his long but interesting articles
ReplyDeleteWill read later
ReplyDeleteInteresting read. The comment,Ayo Fayose Evangelical Church of Yahweh, Iyana Jogunomi, Ori oke Ekiti-Kete.” is just so funny. I don't also like the way baba Adeboye is meddling his pastoral job with politics. Well, I hope next year will be better with Nigeria
ReplyDeletePlease make out time to read this article.. Only one man is the cause of our recent predicament in Nigeria.. If you are wise enough am sure you know who..!!
ReplyDeleteLmao..it's like u are tired of typing his name.
DeleteLol@Nadine.. You won't leave me alone.?
ReplyDeleteNope!😁
DeleteReuben and his articles😪😪😪
ReplyDeleteHe made some interesting suggestions. Nice write up.
ReplyDeleteGreat sense of humour.
ReplyDelete.. some churches are holding get ur MMM back prayer sessions.., nd if u attend come nd see crowd.. or Fayose d prophet.. Lol.. very interesting nd funny
ReplyDeleteNice writeup Abati..... y'all commenting -"too long" "will read later" bla bla bla! But if it were to be some
ReplyDeleteirrelevant gossip it wouldn't have been too long. Nigerians sha. In other news, @Omas993 you are the only HYPOCRITE here. Receive sense.
Unknown
Publish